<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>In Your Arms by the_biggest_zognoid</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23828056">In Your Arms</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_biggest_zognoid/pseuds/the_biggest_zognoid'>the_biggest_zognoid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Effective Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Gay Panic, Minor Angst, beginning of relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:01:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,097</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23828056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_biggest_zognoid/pseuds/the_biggest_zognoid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tara has a lot of feelings about being snuggled.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The First Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You can sleep on the bed and I’ll sleep on the floor.”</p>
<p>“Wha-? Why would you be the one on the floor? It’s your room!”</p>
<p>It had been one week since Tara had come out to Willow, and after a long evening of studying, procrastinating goofily, and practicing magic, Willow was almost passed out on her bed.  </p>
<p>“You’re my guest though!”</p>
<p>“Don’t you want to share?” Willow blushed furiously. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re not comfortable with that, and I can totally sleep on the ground and it’s really important that you’re comfortable because it’s your room and…”</p>
<p>“Y-yeah, okay” Tara interjected before Willow could talk herself out of sharing with her.</p>
<p>“A-are you sure you’re okay though? Even though I’m… you know…”</p>
<p>Willow looked puzzled for a moment then blushed even deeper.</p>
<p>“Oh yeah, that’s no problem, no siree, got the all-clear from mission control! They made a report and everything.”</p>
<p>“Well that’s good, can’t have bedtime vetoed by the government.” Tara grinned.</p>
<p>“I’ll just go brush my teeth!”</p>
<p>While Willow went to clean her teeth, Tara stared herself down in the mirror.</p>
<p><em>You’re going to share that bed and you’re going to stick to your side. You will not ruin your friendship with Willow by accidentally making things weird. You can do this. </em>   </p>
<p>Once Willow had returned and Tara had brushed her own teeth, it was time for them to settle in.</p>
<p>“I’ll go next to the wall, so it’ll be easier for you to get up if you’re having a can’t sleep night”.</p>
<p>“But then you’ll be trapped.”</p>
<p>“I’ll use my secret Scooby powers to escape.” Willow said, wiggling her eyebrows. “I’ve escaped dozens of demons! Your bed will be no problem!”</p>
<p>Tara’s blood ran cold. Did Willow somehow know she was a demon and that escaping from her bed would technically involve escaping a demon? She was overthinking this random joke, right? But even if Willow didn’t know that she was sharing a bed with a demon now she’d know in the future…</p>
<p>“Hey Tara, are you okay?” Willow was looking at her softly, in a way that made Tara’s chest tighten. “I’m sorry, I’ll sleep on the floor, I never should have tried to take your bed away from you, that was really selfish of me.”</p>
<p>“Hey, it’s okay, you’re not taking my bed away from me. Lemme get in there.”</p>
<p>Tara lay on her side with her back to Willow’s face, hoping to give her as much space as possible, even though the bed was quite small.</p>
<p>“Goodnight Tara! Thanks for letting me stay over!”</p>
<p>“Goodnight Willow.” Quietly she added, “I really like having you here.”</p>
<p>Willow fell asleep quickly, if her gentle snoring was any indication. Tara lay awake, trying and failing to avoid thinking about the adorable redhead that was laying behind her. Suddenly Willow rolled over, one of her arms was around Tara’s waist, and her head was on Tara’s shoulder.</p>
<p>Even though Tara knew Willow hadn’t embraced her on purpose, she couldn’t help but relax into it. No one had ever held her like this before, and she hadn’t expected it to feel so… warm.</p>
<p>After what felt like both an age, and an instant, Willow turned back around, snuggling into her pillow.</p>
<p>For the rest of the night, Tara lay awake, trying to forget the feeling of being held. No one would want to do that on purpose, least of all Willow, so it was better not to become attached to the feeling. And yet, despite herself, Tara couldn’t help but wish that Willow would turn around and snuggle her again, even just for a minute.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The First Night As A Couple</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just a heads up, this chapter does obliquely discuss sex but does not have any explicit sexual descriptions. If discussion of sex makes you uncomfortable, do keep that in mind. </p>
<p>I really hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tara couldn’t take it anymore. At first, she thought be able to handle her unattainable crush on Willow. Lesbians had crushes on their straight best friends all the time. She really valued Willow as a person, and the fact that she had a crush on her really didn’t <em>need</em> to come into play, right? She cared about her no matter what, so it didn’t really matter if she kept her feelings a secret from Willow, right?</p>
<p>Although Tara had kept many secrets in her life, she was finding this one especially hard to swallow. Besides, it wasn’t fair to Willow. Willow deserved to know…</p>
<p>Tara knew what this would probably mean though; Willow would probably want nothing to do with her after this. She would think she was creepy and gross and she would wish she had never met Tara. It was selfish of her to keep this knowledge to herself.</p>
<p>
  <em>I might be a demon, but I can still do the right thing.</em>
</p>
<p>Tara was mentally preparing herself when she heard a knock on her door. Tara leapt to her feet, anxiety propelling her towards the sound. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest.</p>
<p>“Hey Tara! I brought you a hot chocolate!” Willow paused, looking at her with concern.</p>
<p>“Are you okay? You’re looking a little pale. Are you feeling icky? I can make you a can of soup, or get some ice cream, or I could maybe look up a magic thing to help you feel better? Or I could talk to Giles, he might know some secret Watcher trick. Or I could…”</p>
<p>“I n-need to t-talk to you about something.” Tara spoke quietly, her eyes fixed at a point somewhere near Willow’s feet.</p>
<p>Willow immediately looked startled and anxious. “Did I do something wrong?”</p>
<p>“It’s okay… It’s not about anything you did. It’s about m-me.”</p>
<p>“Huh? What about you?”</p>
<p>“I… I really l-like you…” Tara said in a voice barely above a whisper, screwing her eyes shut tight.</p>
<p><em>… And I’m really a horrible demon who barely deserves to live, </em>Tara mused to herself. <em>Might as well only drop one bombshell at a time.</em></p>
<p>“Of course you do! I’m your friend, aren’t I?” Tara peeked cautiously, spotting Willow’s puzzled expression before closing her eyes again. Tara couldn’t bring herself to say anything, and the silence between them stretched as Tara’s heart crashed into her chest. After what felt like an eternity, Willow continued slowly, “Do you mean like… in a gay-type way?”</p>
<p>Tara couldn’t help wincing as she nodded slowly, though Willow didn’t sound angry. In fact she almost sounded… Tara forced herself to open her eyes and saw Willow beaming at her radiantly.</p>
<p>Tara couldn’t believe it. Willow wasn’t disgusted with her? This wasn’t going to end their friendship? Tara’s chest immediately felt lighter, though anxiety-induced adrenaline was still coursing through her veins.</p>
<p>“Is that what was worrying you?”</p>
<p>Tara took in Willow’s bright smile, and her resolve to tell her about her demonic nature eroded instantly.</p>
<p>“I thought you were going to think I was gross for having a crush on you.” Tara smiled weakly. “I thought you only liked boys?”</p>
<p>“Well, I told you about how that one time I met that skanky, vampire-y version of myself from that alternate dimension, right?”</p>
<p>Tara nodded. She distinctly remembered her attempts to avoid imagining that version of Willow. Tara couldn’t help but shudder thinking of it; a version of Willow that lacked her soul would feel so <em>wrong.</em></p>
<p>“So, when that Willow came through, I couldn’t help but notice that she seemed sort of gay?”</p>
<p>Tara nodded to show that she was listening.</p>
<p>“And at first, I thought that was just because she was a weird, perverted, twisty-me that didn’t really have anything to do with me-me. I was with Oz. How could I be gay?”</p>
<p>Willow began to pace around the room as she explained, gesturing with her hands emphatically.</p>
<p>“But then,” Willow blushed, “I realized that spending time with you makes me so happy, and when I think about you I feel all fuzzy inside…” Willow paused, her blush deepening even further “… and I just think you’re so amazing and beautiful, and so, uh, I think I might like you in a gay-type way too.” Tara’s brain froze as Wilow’s words came out in a rush.</p>
<p><em>Did she just say she thinks I’m beautiful? And that she thinks about me? </em>Tara felt like she was going to short-circuit as her brain continued. <em>And did she say that she likes me in a gay way? Gay? Gay????? GAY????????? </em> </p>
<p>Willow pulled Tara back to reality by grabbing her hands.</p>
<p>“So, uh, would you maybe want to be gay and do gay-type things with me?”</p>
<p>Tara felt like her brain was computing in slow motion as she replied slowly.</p>
<p>“Do you mean like being girlfriends?”</p>
<p>“Yeah! That would be amazing!!” Willow had the biggest smile Tara had ever seen on her face. Tara couldn’t help returning her smile, joy overtaking her.</p>
<p>Willow locked eyes with Tara, smirked and wiggled her eyebrows.</p>
<p>“I don’t just mean being girlfriends though.”</p>
<p>“Oh, what do you have in mind?”  </p>
<p> A vulnerable look returned to Willow’s face. “Can I kiss you?”</p>
<p>Tara grinned.</p>
<p>“Yes, please.” Tara’s smile faded slightly as she continued: “I might not be any good though, I’ve never really kissed anyone before…” Tara trailed off, faintly embarrassed about her lack of romantic experience.</p>
<p>“Then I’ll just have to do my best to make sure that your first kiss experience is a really good one!”</p>
<p>Willow closed the distance between them and held Tara close as she gently pressed her lips against Tara’s. Tara tightened the embrace, marveling at the comfort it brought her. She held Willow for a long moment, until exhaustion took her and she yawned loudly. Now that the tension had left her body, Tara realized she was physically and emotionally spent from the emotional tension and catharsis of the day (she’d awoken at 4AM and hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her impending confession for the intervening 17 hours).</p>
<p>Willow stepped back and looked at her sympathetically, in a way that made Tara’s chest feel warm.</p>
<p>“Aw, you look so sleepy and cute. I should probably go and let you sleep now, right?”</p>
<p>Tara took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“Would you maybe like to… s-stay the night?”</p>
<p>Willow blushed. “Uh, well, do you mean <em>stay the night</em> stay the night? Because you know, I haven’t done that stuff before with a girl … and I don’t know if I’m ready for that? But I mean, I could be, if you really wanted to?”</p>
<p>“No, no. I don’t know if I’m ready for that either…” Tara paused. “And I would never want to do anything unless you were 100% comfortable. If you’re not sure, then it’s important to wait until you are.”</p>
<p>Willow smiled at her softly.</p>
<p>“Then yeah, I think I’d like that.”</p><hr/>
<p>A few minutes later, they were both snug in their pajamas and settled into the bed. They lay side by side on their backs, touching only where their arms overlapped on the bed. up.</p>
<p>Tara didn’t want to make Willow uncomfortable, especially since she’d just said there was stuff she wasn’t ready for yet, but she couldn’t help but remember the feeling of Willow’s arms around her.</p>
<p><em>Hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me</em>. Tara couldn’t help but repeat the thought in her head as she tried to lay as still as possible. After a few minutes of tense silence, Willow spoke, her voice a whisper.</p>
<p>“Hey Tara…”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Do you remember that one time I stayed over a couple of weeks ago?</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>“I don’t know if you were awake, but I woke up at one point and I was snuggling you? I was wondering if maybe I could do that again? Only if you’re comfortable of course, I would never want to…”</p>
<p>“Yes please,” Tara couldn’t help interrupting Willow’s mini-rant, adorable as it was.</p>
<p>With that, Willow nestled in the crook of her neck, and draped her arm gently over Tara’s stomach. Her breath gently tousled Tara’s hair in a way she couldn’t help but find comforting.</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Tara.” Willow whispered, her voice sleepy, but contented.</p>
<p>“Goodnight, Willow.” Tara responded, her eyes sliding closed as she leaned into Willow’s embrace contentedly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The First Night As Family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This episode takes place after the confrontation with Tara's relations in "Family". </p>
<p>This chapter refers to familial abuse, both what's depicted onscreen (emotional manipulation) and a brief implication that physical abuse has happened in the past. It's basically just what's in canon, but explored emotionally, so if that's triggering for you please take care of yourself while reading :-)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tara was in shock.</p>
<p>She hadn’t expected her relatives to show up, but she’d been apprehensive even before she’d realized they’d come for her.</p>
<p>Just a few hours before she’d been certain her life was going to end; she was either going to be lost to her demonic nature, or she’d have to leave everything she’d built for herself in Sunnydale behind.  </p>
<p>This day had been looming in Tara’s mind for as long as she could remember. Her 20<sup>th</sup> birthday was the day that everything was supposed to end. Her humanity, her freedom… she’d always been told those things were unnatural for her, that she needed to be contained, controlled.</p>
<p>Although she’d been telling herself she’d find some way to manage her demonic transformation, that she wouldn’t lose herself, deep down she’d been worried.</p>
<p>She’d prayed that Buffy would end her before she was able to hurt anyone if something did happen. She hadn’t allowed herself to think about what her transformation would do to Willow.</p>
<p>She’d walked with Willow back to their room in a trance, too lost in thought to say anything.</p>
<p>Tara felt Willow’s hand squeeze hers, bringing her back to reality.</p>
<p>“Hey…” Willow’s voice was tentative, “are you okay?”</p>
<p>Tara couldn’t help wrapping Willow in a hug. She embraced Willow silently for a long moment.</p>
<p>“That uh… doesn’t really answer my question???”</p>
<p>Tara held Willow tighter.</p>
<p>“I love you.” she whispered into Willow’s ear, stroking her hair gently.</p>
<p>After an even longer pause Willow continued, “And I love you too, but you seem like you really might not be okay? And I want to help, but you’re not really giving me much to work with here? I could go give your family a piece of my mind if they’re still around…”</p>
<p>A flash of panic flooded through Tara at the thought of Willow confronting her father. She knew Willow could handle herself, but she’d seen the consequences of her father’s anger far too many times…</p>
<p>“No, please… d-don’t…”</p>
<p>Tara took a moment to compose herself, taking a deep breath. She rested her cheek against Willow’s and closed her eyes.</p>
<p>“It’s just that… I’ve been dreading this day for so long.” Tara felt her eyes well up as she considered what to say next.</p>
<p>“For almost as long as I’ve known you, I’ve known the day would come when I’d turn into a demon and you’d have to… have to…” Tara paused, attempting to swallow the lump in her throat. “…kill me.” Tara felt Willow tense in her embrace. Tears fell down her cheeks. She didn’t know if they were hers or Willow’s.</p>
<p>“A-and I hated myself for not telling you.” Willow rubbed her shoulders soothingly as Tara paused to take a shaky breath.</p>
<p>“…I felt so selfish. So selfish for loving you, for letting you love me when I knew you were probably going to have to kill me.”</p>
<p>Tara opened her eyes as numbness replaced the memory of self-loathing.</p>
<p>“But now? That’s not going to happen? I’m not going to lose myself and become a demon? I get to stay with you? There are people who care about me? I get to have a life of my own? You love me? And I love you?”</p>
<p>Tara pulled away from their embrace. She sat on their bed and fixed her eyes to the wall.</p>
<p>“I know I should be overjoyed, but it just doesn’t feel real.”</p>
<p>Willow wrapped an arm around her as she sat down beside her. She passed Tara her water bottle, which she stared at for a moment before reluctantly drinking some water. Tara hadn’t realized how dry her throat was until she’d started to drink, and she gulped the remaining water desperately. Wordlessly, Willow refilled the water bottle and grabbed a handful of the emergency chocolate granola bars, which she brought back to the bed. She passed Tara the water and snacks as she returned to her position beside her. She sat quietly as Tara drank a bit more water and ate two of the granola bars. Willow took her hand and held it gently, once it was clear that Tara didn’t feel like eating or drinking any more.</p>
<p>“I know that I’ve never had to deal with my family telling me that I’m going to be an evil-demon thing…” Willow began in a quiet voice, “… and then also spend twenty years waiting for it to happen, and then also feel convinced that I’m secretly evil, and then also think that my lover is going to have to kill me and then also…” Willow trailed off.</p>
<p>“I’m rambling, but my point is I don’t know what that’s like, but I do know that food and water and snuggles almost always help.”</p>
<p>Tara felt a small smile cross her face.</p>
<p>“You’re right, it did help a little.” Tara laid back on the bed, and Willow quickly took the snuggle cue, resting her head on her chest and wrapping her arms around her. Immediately, Tara began to feel warmth where the numbness had been.  </p>
<p>“My whole life I thought I knew what it was going to be. I’ve always thought that everything was going to end on this day, October 16<sup>th</sup>, 2000. But it’s not over… I still have so much more life in front of me…”</p>
<p>“And I’ll be there with you.” Willow mumbled into her chest. Willow seemed to panic as she added: “b-but only if you want me to be!” Tara could feel the additional warmth on Willow’s cheeks.</p>
<p>“I’m looking forward to it.” Tara assured her, a full smile finally returning to her face.  </p>
<p>“They always told me that there was evil inside of me, and that they were the only ones who could control it. But that… wasn’t true.”</p>
<p>Tara felt Willow’s lips press against hers softly.</p>
<p>“You’re so silly.” Willow cupped her face and looked at her softly. “I could have told you you’re a zero-evil zone. You’re a wonderful person and I love you so, so much.”</p>
<p>It was Tara’s turn to kiss Willow. Her lips were gentle and sweet. Tara finally felt the lingering numbness fade away, love taking its place.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It wasn’t long before it was time for them to go to sleep.</p>
<p><em>She really knows me, and she really loves me</em>.</p>
<p>Tara couldn’t help but marvel at the concept as she drifted off to sleep, again wrapped in Willow’s embrace. Although she was still emotionally exhausted, that night she slept more peacefully than she ever had before, as she basked in the warmth of being loved so thoroughly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I rewatched the episode and what I've written here doesn't quite match the vibe Tara's giving off during the episode, but I think that might be more due to a lack of consideration for what this sort of experience would be like rather than this being OoC. </p>
<p>Hope you enjoyed! I have a couple more ideas for points in their relationship to explore, but the last chapter (when I get around to writing it) will not reflect certain canon events that definitely did not happen. </p>
<p>I hope you're able to stay safe out there and have a fantastic day! :-D</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The plan is to write other chapters about other significant points in their relationship, but I've historically been very bad at writing follow-up chapters in any kind of timely fashion.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>